To know yourself...

I have been and still am struggling to know who I am ever since I actually grew up. The risk in knowing yourself is that you might just decide to change one trait of your personality and try bettering things bit by bit, until you realize this wasn't the right way to do it.
You try and try, fail and try again, hopelessness leads you to nowhere then..
I myself reckoned change is an easy thing. I was wrong. One trait cannot be changed in a glimpse. It can never actually be changed, it simply shifts and alters its shape. That's how I'd like to call it.
Adding another quality to your personality is like a gift or a talent one is able or unable to do. It's all about flexibility.

I used to think things change with time, I wouldn't have to change for anything nor anyone. Until I failed to recognize my behaviors, my manners changed to the worst. Life was one big devastating mistake flying beneath my skies, my life actually. Lying became an addiction to me, I never blamed myself, for circumstances led me to this. Denial has become a sickness rather than a flaw. I confused love with obsession, charity with impression. I effused emotions. Schmaltz became a recurring need. Love was cruel, it was my damnable fault

Then, change became an addiction. I started to wake up. Someone awoke me with an abrupt slap. Clutched all the villain, naive person that I had been..for almost four flawed years I have lived a big stupid lie. Life was painfully beautiful..
I started blaming myself for everything and everyone's mistakes. People's mistakes became venial, when mine became unforgivable, unforgettable. I guess one has to not forget their mistakes or else change will lead to indifference once again.
Hope floated, a colorful spring shone. Sun was not gray anymore. There was light.
I still make mistakes, awful ones. I assume each time you make a mistake you grow up, and each mistake you make when you grow up is more unforgiven than the previous. You get to experience the fatal feelings of being imperfect, yet forcefully enjoying it.

Realism, Criticism, Sarcasm, Fickleness, hopelessness, faithfulness and other traits became my recent companions. I change. You change. We all change. Life is changeable. Fate is not. Life will happen. No matter what!

live it. Fight it. Struggle. Defeat is Okay. Submission Isn't. Influence. Pride will hurt. Hearts will break. Will heal again. Nothing is eternity. Only God.

2 comments:

Noor | February 16, 2010 at 11:33 AM

my first comment here so yay! i have chkd this blog before but didnt comment so now here i am.
i love that ur writing this. its good actually something happened to u that taught u something, sometimes things happen to us without us taking anything from them, you know?

<3

Knee | February 21, 2010 at 8:41 PM

Yeah I know what you mean..though it took some time to realize this.
Thanks for your comments hun..all of them..you make me feel loved and important =)
IlY <3

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